Wednesday, April 27, 2011

WIN TIX FOR A DINOSAUR TRAIN DAY OF FUN!

Tell us what your little engineer loves about trains and you could win four tickets to this exclusive invitation only event - GOOD LUCK!

What:
· An afternoon of train rides (7½" gauge model trains on 2 1/2 miles of track)
· Photo with Buddy the Dinosaur
· Sing-along’s with DINOSAUR TRAIN creator Craig Bartlett
· Random House’s DINOSAUR TRAIN Reading Corner
· MEGA Brands Play Corner with new DINOSAUR TRAIN construction sets
· Other special surprises!

When: Saturday, May 7th, 2:00 pm – 4:30 pm PT

Where: Los Angeles Live Steamers Railroad Museum, 5202 Zoo Drive, LA, California 90027.

Why: To celebrate National Train Day

Thursday, July 29, 2010

New Cheryl Crow Album!


I'm thrilled to be working to promote Sheryl Crow's new album "100 Miles from Memphis" What's not to love about this nine-time Grammy award winner who has sold 35 million albums worldwide? Classy, talented, a breast cancer survivor and a mom of an adopted boy - I con't think any of today's music "stars" can compare! Go to to buy the album, check out her tour schedule and see just how hot a 48 year old can look!

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Smack Down at Kids Club!

The buzz in mommy land was that the Sherman Oaks Galleria was giving away Burke Williams certificates at the weekly kids club. I am so there.


I was thinking "spa, spa, spa, oy this music sucks, spa, spa," when suddenly...

SMACK DOWN! Two women with kids in arms in a hair pulling, scratching, slapping fight…lasting long enough for me to start crafting a Facebook status update! It took two mall security guards to pull them apart - both women ended up being held aloft screaming with pin wheeling arms and kicking legs.


Annabelle burst into tears, no doubt furious that her signature tantrum moves were being used.


I'll own the fact that I'm Gladys Kravitz. I ran to get a glass of water to give one of the breeder brawlers (not out of concern, but hoping for inside information). She had a cut on her head and was clutching a handful of her own hair that had been ripped out. Hysterical gibberish gave no new scoop. Soon, police officers showed up - in four cars. Really? Google "Chuck E. Cheese riot". More than one story comes up so maybe mommy event crime gets full law enforcement response.

How would I handle it if another mom pushed or hit or was aggressive with my kid? Would it matter if that person looked like me? (One woman was a mom with her child - blond, tall, big glittery wedding ring. The other was a short Hispanic nanny with three charges) I like to think that I always model good behavior for the girls. But would I be able to hold it together? When a kid made fun of Sabrina's eye patch at the park, I was not exactly proud of my response. (But at least I said it so only that little asshole could hear)


At least fairly-new-to-fatherhood Ted was there as a witness. The look on his face almost made up for my inability to get details. For now I’ll have to be happy with the scoop of Ben & Jerry's that I won in the giveaway. After all this excitement I really, really need that spa treatment...

Wednesday, May 26, 2010


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Friday, November 27, 2009

Bobby & Suzanne @ KISS Alive 35!

When my husband told me that he got tickets for KISS (his 25th time to see them) the day before Thanksgiving, I was less than thrilled. I’m a notorious cheapskate. The price was astonishing, the babysitter cost staggering, traffic possibility nasty, hair and makeup required. After 7 pm, I’m pretty much done for the day. Uggg…

But WOW. Just WOW.

Walking in downtown Los Angeles through the cloying smell of bum piss and illegal street vendor hot dogs reminded me of carefree BB (before breeding) days of Kings Hockey. Suddenly, my constant mom exhausted lifted - I felt young! Energetic! I had on skinny jeans! I’m hip again!

Then came people watching on a grand scale: A two year old in a spot on Ace Freely outfit complete with make-up. A 60 something Hispanic couple in vintage “Lick It Up” t-shirts. LA hotties with gigantic fake boobs and hair extensions. (I assume that Bobby's spank bank is getting a deposit)

We meet with friends from hockey days. One of them is a face painter. With wig. I'm shocked. Really? You think you know someone…

In the row in front of us, four queeny gay guys. My people. We bond. One rolls a fattie and offers it – aside from the many reasons I should not, I decline simply because of the possibility of H1N1 on the soggy doobie. I'm reminded of my age.

Uh oh. Here comes the crowd sitting next to us. Confirmed douchebags. Douche #1 pulls out his iPhone and shows me the set list. Thanks asshole. One of the best parts of a concert is the song anticipation. Someone blows a terrible, terrible fart. Douche #2 laughs and admits guilt.

Buckcherry rocked. Finally eye candy for me - lead singer is smoking hot.

Here comes KISS. The arena is packed, the excitement is physically overwhelming and I get tears in my eyes. If not for waddle necks and old man hands, you’d swear this was 1974 KISS.

Highlights: Paul Stanley shouts “I must have the swine flu because someone back stage called me a pig!” Calling Doctor Love - my fave. And he intro'd it with a topical segue! Nice.

Bobby squeals like a little girl. “He’s coming right over us! He’s coming right over us!” Paul hooks his sliver high heel boots into a large ring and zips 10 feet, maybe less over us. “That’s officially the closest I’ve been to Paul Stanley.” The look on Bobby's face is pure joy - the cost, the babysitter, the traffic doesn't matter - this night is worth it.

Gene Simmons guitar solo - blood dripping from his mouth, his grotesquely long tongue wagging seductively in and out. I furiously condemn any parent who brought a kid under driving age. When Gene flies to a tiny perch high above the stage it's breathtaking.

"Rock and Roll All Nite" is accompanied by explosions, shooting flames and buckets white confetti blown at top speed from the stage. Just as it settles over the floor crowd, more is blown behind us towards the rest of the fans. Douch #1 "That's for the poor people!" Fuck I hate this guy.

But douche can't dampen the mood - KISS is the best concert I've been to since I started going to see live music in 1983 (Rush and Golden Earring in Oklahoma City) Better than, sorry Dave, Van Halen.

Thanks for a great night Bobby! Happy Birthday - I love you!
Holiday Gift Guide

Friday, April 10, 2009

Arnold's Head

I have Arnold Schwarzenegger's head in my purse. And not the aging Governor of California Schwarzenegger. No – this is the bad ass sunglasses wearing TERMINATOR Arnold. Here’s how a housewife from the valley ended up waving a severed head and shouting to a crowd of 15,000 on a 50-thousand watt Southern California radio station…

I’m not going to say working from home and watching a 4 year old and an 9 month old is isolating and boring…but…let’s just say that by late afternoon, I’m ready to forget about writers block and diapers.

Crackly AM radio with its traffic reports and commercials for life insurance used to be the last thing I wanted to hear. But one afternoon, desperate to escape an evil 101 jam, I switched to 640 AM.

The voices of John and Ken filled my car.

“Mommy, those boys sound mad!” said my daughter.

True - those boys were mad! But they had me laughing out loud. After a few minutes, I was hooked.

I quickly realized that I had to listen without kiddos around when my daughter started repeating John – IDIOT! MORON! DUMB ASSES! Those are some of my favorite words too!

I look forward to three o’clock everyday but when John and Ken started talking about budget proposals and Sacramento politics in early ‘09, I thought BO-RING. I wanted to hear what they thought of Octomom!

But as their outrage escalated, I paid attention and couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Massive tax increases for California – sales, income and car taxes. The ultimate insult for parents – a reduction in the child tax credit! I am pissed.

As I spouted statistics at Mommy & Me, I was met with blank stares. Finally, I found a similarly informed and outraged mom. It’s Barbara! I knew I liked her the first time we met – she had on a maternity shirt covered in skulls.

We agreed that we have to go to John and Ken’s tax protest rally. (If nothing else, it’s an afternoon away from the kids) We jumped in Barbara’s mini-van and maneuvered the traffic choked freeways of SoCal. To get in the mood, I glared around and wondered how many cars were being driven by non-tax paying illegal immigrants.

Finally, we arrived in Fullerton and it’s a mob scene! Police estimates had the crowd at 15,000 and the energy rivaled any sporting event I’ve ever been to.

Signs included "Governor Schwarzenegger is a girly man!" to "Been-A-Dick Arnold". There were “heads on a stick” of reviled politicians bobbing above the crowd and even a couple dressed as giant tea bags. (Of course, I immediately think of the sexual term for tea-bagging)

Damn! We are stuck at the back but a guy noticed that Barbara has a laser disc of an Arnold film to be sledghammered.

“A laser disc!” He’s clearly in awe of the failed format. “You must get to the stage!”
The crowd parted as our nerdy savior shouted “Laser disc, coming through!”

The next thing I know, Barbara wielded a sledgehammer as the screaming masses cheered her on. The shattered disc joined the piles of pulverized VHS cassettes and DVDs of Schwarzenegger movies (so many horrible ones!).

Then John held up a life sized cardboard standee of The Terminator. “Who wants to chop the head of this tax terrorist?”
Like a contestant on the Price is Right, I hopped up and down shouting ME ME!
John scanned the crowd – he pointed – at me!

Shrieking non-stop, I maneuvered around the barrier. KFI’s cute Neil Saavedra handed me a sword brought by a group of rowdy pirates. It’s heavy and very, very sharp. John asked my name and where I’m from – I shouted the answers – the crowd goes wild. He asked what I think about the tax package. I screamed “I’m going to show you right now” and brought the blade down on the Terminator’s cardboard neck. A second chop and the head flew off. I jumped to grab my prize and Neil leapt out to taking the sword, making sure I don’t behead any real people in the front row.

Before I know it, I’m on the stage! I can see the whole crowd! I hold up the head and jump up and down. I wonder what might be visibly jiggling and am glad KFI is radio and not television.

I came to LA from Oklahoma to try my hand at stand-up comedy but most audiences were a few dozen other comics also waiting for an open mic spot. So 15,000 screaming taxpayers who totally approved of my actions? Intoxicating.

The next day, Barbara’s photo is in the Orange County Register and my video is on facebook. Some day when my girls are teenagers and accuse me of not being “cool”, I’ll show them the clip. They might not be impressed but maybe they’ll listen better…

For more information on John and Ken, the current recall efforts and why NO ON 1A is imperative go to http://www.kfiam640.com/pages/johnandkenshow/