Arnold's Head

I have Arnold Schwarzenegger's head in my purse. And not the aging Governor of California Schwarzenegger. No – this is the bad ass sunglasses wearing TERMINATOR Arnold. Here’s how a housewife from the valley ended up waving a severed head and shouting to a crowd of 15,000 on a 50-thousand watt Southern California radio station…

I’m not going to say working from home and watching a 4 year old and an 9 month old is isolating and boring…but…let’s just say that by late afternoon, I’m ready to forget about writers block and diapers.

Crackly AM radio with its traffic reports and commercials for life insurance used to be the last thing I wanted to hear. But one afternoon, desperate to escape an evil 101 jam, I switched to 640 AM.

The voices of John and Ken filled my car.

“Mommy, those boys sound mad!” said my daughter.

True - those boys were mad! But they had me laughing out loud. After a few minutes, I was hooked.

I quickly realized that I had to listen without kiddos around when my daughter started repeating John – IDIOT! MORON! DUMB ASSES! Those are some of my favorite words too!

I look forward to three o’clock everyday but when John and Ken started talking about budget proposals and Sacramento politics in early ‘09, I thought BO-RING. I wanted to hear what they thought of Octomom!

But as their outrage escalated, I paid attention and couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Massive tax increases for California – sales, income and car taxes. The ultimate insult for parents – a reduction in the child tax credit! I am pissed.

As I spouted statistics at Mommy & Me, I was met with blank stares. Finally, I found a similarly informed and outraged mom. It’s Barbara! I knew I liked her the first time we met – she had on a maternity shirt covered in skulls.

We agreed that we have to go to John and Ken’s tax protest rally. (If nothing else, it’s an afternoon away from the kids) We jumped in Barbara’s mini-van and maneuvered the traffic choked freeways of SoCal. To get in the mood, I glared around and wondered how many cars were being driven by non-tax paying illegal immigrants.

Finally, we arrived in Fullerton and it’s a mob scene! Police estimates had the crowd at 15,000 and the energy rivaled any sporting event I’ve ever been to.

Signs included "Governor Schwarzenegger is a girly man!" to "Been-A-Dick Arnold". There were “heads on a stick” of reviled politicians bobbing above the crowd and even a couple dressed as giant tea bags. (Of course, I immediately think of the sexual term for tea-bagging)

Damn! We are stuck at the back but a guy noticed that Barbara has a laser disc of an Arnold film to be sledghammered.

“A laser disc!” He’s clearly in awe of the failed format. “You must get to the stage!”
The crowd parted as our nerdy savior shouted “Laser disc, coming through!”

The next thing I know, Barbara wielded a sledgehammer as the screaming masses cheered her on. The shattered disc joined the piles of pulverized VHS cassettes and DVDs of Schwarzenegger movies (so many horrible ones!).

Then John held up a life sized cardboard standee of The Terminator. “Who wants to chop the head of this tax terrorist?”
Like a contestant on the Price is Right, I hopped up and down shouting ME ME!
John scanned the crowd – he pointed – at me!

Shrieking non-stop, I maneuvered around the barrier. KFI’s cute Neil Saavedra handed me a sword brought by a group of rowdy pirates. It’s heavy and very, very sharp. John asked my name and where I’m from – I shouted the answers – the crowd goes wild. He asked what I think about the tax package. I screamed “I’m going to show you right now” and brought the blade down on the Terminator’s cardboard neck. A second chop and the head flew off. I jumped to grab my prize and Neil leapt out to taking the sword, making sure I don’t behead any real people in the front row.

Before I know it, I’m on the stage! I can see the whole crowd! I hold up the head and jump up and down. I wonder what might be visibly jiggling and am glad KFI is radio and not television.

I came to LA from Oklahoma to try my hand at stand-up comedy but most audiences were a few dozen other comics also waiting for an open mic spot. So 15,000 screaming taxpayers who totally approved of my actions? Intoxicating.

The next day, Barbara’s photo is in the Orange County Register and my video is on facebook. Some day when my girls are teenagers and accuse me of not being “cool”, I’ll show them the clip. They might not be impressed but maybe they’ll listen better…

For more information on John and Ken, the current recall efforts and why NO ON 1A is imperative go to http://www.kfiam640.com/pages/johnandkenshow/