Get the F*&K off the playground.

Not another breeder blog! But write what you know so here’s my rant of the day: If you have a mustache and a driver’s license, get the f*&K off the playground.

Hey over here! Yes you! With your baggy Raiders jersey and untied shoes. Shouldn’t you be texting or driving too fast?

Oh no. Here you come! Your lazy shuffle walk has brought you to the toddler play ground.

I get it. It's the middle of holiday break and you're bored. Even though you think I'm from the metazoan age, I do remember that school-free days in the winter can be long and tedious. I feel for you but there are thousands of activities for you to do that don’t put you on a collision course with children.

Look. A sign.

Perhaps you can't read?

I'll help you sound it out - AGES THREE TO SEVEN. You are eight to ten years too old for this area of the park.

Oh good. Here come two of your friends.

One has a clever message on his shirt reading "vagitarian". Hilarious to announce your penchant for eating pussy to the world. With your big jiggly belly and acne covered face I’m sure the girls are lining up for you.

You're suddenly filled with energy! Use it to go away. But no, yelling "Hey motherfucker!" to your friends while leaping to the top of the jungle gym is so much more fun.

Your 200 plus pounds is on a collision course with the Talker! (4 years old)

I have Tiny Bubbles (6 months old) in baby carrier so leaping body block is out of the question!

By a hair, you miss mowing down Talker. Oblivious, you jump onto the slide, over to the teeter totter then across the monkey bars with a continuous stream of vulgarities including “Hey faggot!” and “Fuck you dude” The Talker gets tears in her eyes and runs to my side.

I become alpha mom and yell “GET OFF THE PLAYGROUND ASSHOLES”
After 4 years of spelling cuss words and speaking in sing-song mommy voice it feels very, very good.

Thank you for slouching away. Parents and kids are such a buzz kill. I know! Back in the beginning of time, I used to blow a stream of Marlboro Light smoke toward the heavens while ignoring the stink-eye from nearby breeders and glaring at their snot nosed brats.

Now go home and do what I did during school breaks – steal liquor from your folks.

New Year’s Resolution #3 – Don’t be so bitchy. Broken January 1, 2009 at 2:00 pm.